Overheard this right now at a work mtg.:
Idiot: I recently read a section of this article someone posted on tumblr about how gay marriage is legal in Iowa. I thought rednecks hated queers.
WHAT IS THIS WORLD I AM LIVING IN?!?!?
So naturally I had to leave the table instead of murdering him because I don’t really need prison right now.
Listening to my mother
talking to my aunt about options now that she has quit her job really terrifies me. I think she is considering spending time in Costa Rica and doing something illegal. Is that what 40 looks like?
God…take me now.
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Watching The Great Gatsby (1974) starring Redford and Farrow and noticed this hunk from everybody’s favorite television drama. Damn boo, yous a cutie. How adorable is Sam Waterston? I think I’m in love.
Today’s exciting To Do list:
- Watch G.O.T.
- Vacuum
- Call about car accident
- Eat like I care about my body
- Watch and return the Netflix I’ve had since January
- Continue reading Sedaris and hope he rubs off on me
- Write because thinking about it doesn’t get it done
My life is overwhelming exciting. Don’t be jealous.
So when you take Valium
you feel like you’re in a fog of insanity where everyone moves oddly fast and the only thing that sounds like a good idea is marathoning something on Netflix. So you do, then after you watch several episode the fog releases you and you wonder, “why am I watching Surviving The Cut….AGAIN???” Then you shower and hope you never feel like that again but then you remember you have to go to sleep again. So…here comes the fog.
When I nearly crashed into a car on the other side of the road
my life did not flash before my eyes. All that was before my eyes were the eyes of all the terrified people who were hoping against all hope that I would not crash and kill them. As was I. I was thinking non-stop, “stop-stop-stop”, followed bye, “WHY-IS-THIS-HAPPENING???” My driver side rear tire popped as I was turning left, due to the wheel being turned left my car wiggled over the median, I drove next to the other cars turning left for a moment until I pulled (USING ALL THE MUSCLE I DO NOT HAVE) the wheel right to avoid a terrified Asian girl whose brand new car was very large, avoided killing her but still hit her with the ass of my car before another car was heading for me so I had to go back over the median…A MUTHA FUCKIN HERO because I killed and injured no one! The more I think about this bizarre accident the more insanely cool I feel. My tire popped and forced me into oncoming traffic and everyone is fine. Sure, her car a d my car are banged up, but we are both alive. The worse thing that happened yesterday resulted in everyone being fine.
So maybe that’s how I should look at everyday. And maybe I should stop doubting my abilities because no one else does, I mean, recently, I prevented my disturbed vehicle from murdering someone. Maybe I’m not too shabby and all these days I’ve been worried about wasting have actually been quite filled with amazing things. Everyone is fine. I’m fine.
Just keep swimming.
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“When you wish upon a star
I want you to remember that there is a good chance that the star you picked is dead and that wishing is stupid.”
This is my final statement to the kids today after lunch. Just to keep them on their toes. And to remind them that I hate them.
“Life isn’t fair but it is fantastic”
is something I just heard Jay Mohr say on a podcast and I guess that the truest thing you can say about life…only if you live in the United States and are white.
Life is life. Deal the best ya can until you die and then everyone will misremember you. That’s truth.
Overhearing my loud mother complain about her husband
on the phone to her best friend in Illinois is not the ideal morning for me. But who knew how much rage was swelling up inside her because her whack husband refuses to rinse all the water out of the washcloth and how said cloth, when not rinsed, mildews and causes quite an aroma and its gross and she hates it. The talking goes on and on and phrases like “well, what am I supposed to do?” come up followed by “if he didn’t want to haven strong personality he shouldn’t have married me” and lets not forget’ “what does he expect me to do, become docile?”
The older I get the more I realize that no one has it together and everyone is a fucking phony. So if you see my mom faking it on Facebook with happy family thoughts, just know, she is barely breathing and hanging by a thread.
Isn’t that terrifying?
More terrifying than the idea that we either turn into our parents or marry them…Jesus…I hope I turn into the dead one.
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